Facebook
by Klowee von Karma
Summary: Phoenix and friends all go on Facebook, but some technical difficulties ruin everything.


"Miles Edgeworth has commented on your status," the e-mail read. "Wright...I don't know anyone who hasn't been tortured at least once in their lives."

_I wonder what Edgeworth's status is... _Phoenix thought as he started typing.

"Whatcha doin', Nick?" Maya asked, peeking over his shoulder.

"Username: Phoenix Wright

Status: Being tortured again," the screen read.

"Nice, Nick. What is that anyway?"

"Well, Maya, this is Facebook," Phoenix replied.

"What's Facebook?"

"It's...Let me sign you up. It'll be so much easier than trying to explain. What do you want your username to be?"

"Hm...How about ULTRA MEGA HAMBURGER SAMURAI!?" Maya shouted.

"Um...Why?"

"Because it's cheesy to just put your name down, Nick."

"But that's what I did," Phoenix said.

"That's because you're no fun. And neither is Edgeworth, it seems," Maya said.

"Okay...Hamburger Samurai it is..."

"Yay! Thanks, Nick. Let me type my password. I don't want you to be able to use my account." Phoenix sighed and got out of the chair, allowing Maya to type her password.

"So, Nick, here's my status!" Maya exclaimed happily.

"Um...Eating hamburgers?" Phoenix asked.

"Yes, and I hope you make my status come true," Maya replied. Phoenix sighed.

"Anyway...Um...Oh, look, somebody commented on your status...Already. That's strange," Phoenix said.

"Laurice Shagginator said: 'Hey, baby. You can have a burger of mine any time,'" the computer read.

"W-what does that even mean?" Maya asked as Phoenix started typing.

"Is that you, Larry?" he typed.

"Dude, how did you know?"

"Because when something smells, it's usually the Butz," Phoenix typed furiously.

"Nick? Is that you? Duuuude, you're the Hamburger Samurai?!" Phoenix blushed from embarrassment and was glad Larry couldn't see him.

"No, Maya is. I'm just...temporarily using her account."

"Whatever you say, Nick. I won't judge you. If you think you're a girl, then that's not my problem." Phoenix turned bright red and furiously stormed off, away from the computer.

Maya screamed. Phoenix jumped ten feet into the air before running to the office, where Maya was sitting on the computer.

"What is it? What's wrong?!" Phoenix asked, shocked.

"I just took this quiz on which Steel Samurai character I'm most like, and it says I'm the Pink Princess!" Maya replied excitedly.

"But...Aren't the Pink Princes and the Steel Samurai two entirely different shows?"

"Come on, Nick. Nobody likes people who have to bring up pesky little details," Maya responded teasingly. 

_Whatever, Maya. Whatever..._

"So...uh...Can I use the computer, now?"

"In a minute, Nick. I'm busy talking with GummieMagpieLover. Something about the way he talks is just so familiar," Maya said. Phoenix took a peek.

"I wish I could have burgers more often, pal, but with my salary so low..." the computer read.

"Wait...Detective Gumshoe is GummieMagpieLover? Haha! What a ridiculous username," Phoenix said.

"There's also this Perfect_Karma lady who's status is: 'Whipping foolish fools for foolishly being foolish.'" Phoenix cringed.

"That sounds like Franziska VonKarma," Phoenix commented.

"Yeah, I thought so, too. Isn't it weird how many friends of ours use Facebook?"

_I wouldn't call Franziska a friend, but...It still is quite ironic..._

"Just...Let me know when you're done, okay?" Phoenix asked.

"Fine," Maya answered. "See you in a few hours, Nick!"

"JSIJAISJIODJKLDNJKCNJAKnciuhuihdijgfhugfbiugdhksjhkjajdkqjhkjasjhqkjhaiojLJKLjkjAKLJSSAIDJSAIODSAIDHA"

the computer read.

"Nick! Help!" Maya screamed. "The computer's not working!"

"Have you tried restarting it?" Phoenix asked.

"No," Maya said, "But look at all the things I mistakenly typed! It's so embarrassing."

"Youmustbegreatinthesack!" the computer read on Laurice Shagginator's page.

"Maya!" Phoenix said, his face pale. "Why is this message from my account?"

"Well, after the computer started giving me problems, I thought it might have been something wrong with my account, so I..."

"You switched to my account! What else did you 'mistakenly' type?"

"Well...Here's Edgeworth's page..."

"we shouldgo Out sometime," the computer read.

"W-whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!" Phoenix asked, shocked.

"And here's Perfect_Karma's page..."

"Whips. Kinky. ilike," the computer screen read.

Phoenix was silent, his face getting paler and paler.

"And here's GummyMagpieLover's page..."

"Please, no more," Phoenix groaned.

"i wanna**** youso Hard, maggie'd be jelus."

"...Noooooooooooooooooo!" Phoenix screamed. "Why did you submit these?"

"I didn't mean to, Nick. It just happened. I swear," Maya said.

"Somebody commented on your status:

Edgey-pooLover said: 'WHIPPERSNAPPER! You should be grateful for all the things life gives you, you selfish child!'" the computer read.

"...Oldbag is on Facebook? Noooooo! That's the worst thing that's happened so far!" Phoenix squeaked. "Quick! Turn off the computer!"

"What's the magic word, Nick?"

"PLEASE!" Phoenix screamed so loud Maya's ears were still ringing as she restarted the computer.

"we shouldgo Out sometime," the computer screen read. The message was from Phoenix, of course. Edgeworth's face paled.

_He must be joking. Wright and his...shenanigans. _Edgeworth thought. _There's no way he's serious._

"Duuuuuuude," Laurice Shagginator commented. "I think he's serious."

"Shut up, Laurice. He wouldn't make all those typos if he was serious," the computer read. Edgeworth smirked and hit, "Submit."

"C'mon, Edgey. There's no need for that attitude," the computer screen read almost a second later.

_Did he...know I'd say that? This is bizarre, _Edgeworth thought.

"Besides, Nick's a great guy. Give him a chance. And, by the way, your status is ridiculous, and I don't use that word often."

"Status: Objecting," the computer read.

"But its the truth," Edgewoth typed back. "Unlike yours."

"Laurice Shagginator

Status: Making another masterpiece," the computer read.

_In his pants, _Edgeworth thought.

"I'm going to ask Wright about it in person," Edgeworth typed.

"Good for you, man. Enjoy your date." Edgeworth growled, but then the computer read: "Guess who?" by: Edgey-pooLover. Edgeworth's jaw dropped to the floor.

_Not Oldbag. Please, please..._

"Somebody commented on your status:

'I'll bet you're objecting very classily, Edgey-poo!" Edgeworth gagged at the message, picturing Wendy Oldbag's face as he read it. He shivered involuntarily and shut off the computer.

_I'd better go see Wright, _he thought as he headed out the door.

"Youmustbegreatinthesack," the computer screen read.

"Alright! I can't deny Nick speaks the truth. It's a little creepy he'd know that, but still," Larry said upon seeing the message.

"we shouldgo Out sometime," the computer screen read on Edgeworth's page. Larry laughed so hard he cried.

"I can't believe Nick wrote that. Duuude, I gotta mess around with this a little. I wonder what Edgey would say if I did this!"

"Duuuuude, I think he's serious," Larry typed. He hit the "submit" button. "Maybe I should freak him out by sending something right after this. What would Edgey do? He'd get really angry, so..." Larry said to himself.

"C'mon, Edgey. There's no need for that attitude." Larry hit the submit button. Then, he read what Edgeworth typed.

"Shut up, Laurice. He wouldn't make all those typos if he was serious."

"I guessed right!" Larry proclaimed excitedly.

"Besides, Nick's a great guy. Give him a chance. By the way, your status is ridiculous, and I don't use that word often," Larry typed.

"I mean, 'Objecting?' Surely Edgey could do better than that," Larry said to no one in particular.

"But it's the truth. Unlike yours," the computer screen read. "I'm going to ask Wright about it in person." Larry laughed again.

"Good for you, man. Enjoy your date," he typed as he snickered.

"Man! Nick and Edgey...That would be one weird conversation...One I can't miss!" Larry shouted, running out the door and heading towards Wright and Co. Law Offices.

_Kids today and their computers, _Oldbag thought as she hooked hers up. _We'll just see what this "Facebook" thing is...Hm...Username... _

"Edgey-pooLover," Oldbag typed.

_Password..._

"Miles 25," she typed.

"Status: Dying without Edgey-Poo." _What do they think I'll say?_

_Now, let's see what whippersnappers are using this thing today. There's that screaming, spiky-haired hooligan, Phoenix Wright._

"Status: Being tortured again."

_What an ungrateful whippersnapper! I'll show him! _Wendy thought as she typed: "WHIPPERSNAPPER! You should be grateful for all the things life gives you, you selfish child." _I mean, when I was his age, I had to go to work sixteen hours a day and I had to walk uphill both ways with newspapers for shoes! Oh, look, it's Edgey-poo's page._

"Status: Objecting," the computer screen read. Oldbag swooned. _Sounds just like something my Edgey-poo would say..._

She started fantasizing about her and Edgeworth going out on a romantic date...Edgeworth kneeling in front of her and pulling out a sparkly engagement ring with a huge, real diamond in the center. He looks into her eyes and says, "Wendy, I've been wanting to do this for a long time, but I've been afraid you would reject me. I know I act disgusted whenever you're around, but that's just because I don't know how to confess my love to you. I love you so much, so I wondering...Will you marry me?"

"Yes, Edgey-poo! Yes!" Oldbag screamed excitedly, not knowing that she did that aloud. Edgeworth picks her up in his sexy arms and they walk out of the restaurant, everyone there cheering as they leave. Oldbag sighed, swooning once again. Her Edgey-poo leans toward her, lips puckered. Oldbag leans back to him, her eyes sparkling with delight. Then, Oldbag kissed the computer screen. She blushed, embarrassed that she did that for the tenth time that day.

"I'll bet you're objecting very classily, Edgey-poo," Oldbag typed hitting the "submit" button. Then, she actually read his page. She got really angry. Who was Phoenix to try to take her Edgey-poo away?

_Don't worry, sweet Edgey-poo! I'll save you, _Oldbag thought, running towards Wright and Co. Law Offices.

It was just an ordinary day for Franziska VonKarma. She whipped several foolish fools and defeated another random attorney in court. Yet she still felt a sort of emptiness. What was the point now that her perfect win record has been shattered and Miles Edgeworth managed to defeat her in court? Well, technically her foolishly foolish brother had only gotten a suspension, but still. Then, someone knocked on the door. It was a futuristic UPS guy who told her to sign for her package. Once she had perfectly signed her name, the man brought in the perfect, shiny, aquamarine laptop.

It was about time, for Franziska had whipped clean through her last computer. She opened up the laptop with her gloved hands, lest she ruin the perfection of the object with fingerprint smudges and typed in her password in exactly ten seconds. Franziska had been told that she should join Facebook before, and her perfect memory never deceived her. It had been Miles Edgeworth himself who suggested the ridiculous idea. It sounded utterly foolish to join Facebook to Franziska, but she figured it was a way to waste time until her next court case in which she would crush her opponent yet again.

The computer wanted her to type in her username, a password, her e-mail address, and...It seemed there was some status thing she could fill in at will.

"Username: Perfect_Karma," Franziska typed at a perfect pace. She typed a random password that she would naturally remember perfectly for all time and her e-mail address. But what would be her status? Franziska thought about what she had done earlier that day and typed in her status as: "Whipping foolish fools for foolishly being foolish." Speaking of foolish fools, she wanted target practice. And who better than Phoenix Wright and that scruffy detective? She signed off, gently closed the computer after perfectly placing the keyboard cover and walked towards Wright and Co. Law Offices, ready to vent all of her anger on Phoenix Wright, the moron who always beat her through sheer, dumb luck.

"Hey, Gumshoe! I finally pooled all of my money together after saving for months, and, well, here," Maggey said, handing Gumshoe a huge box which she could barely lift.

"Oh, boy, pal! ...But my birthday's not for another six months..."

"This isn't for your birthday. It's for our one-month anniversary! Couples do that kind of thing all the time," Maggey stated with as much authority as she could. Gumshoe beamed as he opened the box that held his new computer.

"Whoooooop! Thanks, pal-er-my Magpie! I always wanted one of these!" Gumshoe screamed excitedly before bear hugging Maggey.

"It was....nothing...Gummy..." Maggey groaned as Gumshoe squeezed her like a tube of toothpaste. Gumshoe gently set her back down and started typing. Eventually, he got around to exploring the internet and stumbling across Facebook.

Username: GummyMagpieLover," Gumshoe typed.

"Is that okay, Maggey?" he asked. Maggey nodded and Gumshoe grinned from ear-to-ear.

"Status: Having the best time of my life, pal!" the screen read. Gumshoe hit the "submit" button.

"Ooh! There's a Hamburger Samurai!" Gumshoe clicked on Maya's page.

"Status: Eating hamburgers." Gumshoe laughed and typed, "I wish I could have burgers more often, pal, but with my salary so low..."

Then, he got an e-mail. Apparently, someone commented on his page. He looked at it, and it read, "i wanna **** youso Hard, maggie'd be jelous." Gumshoe gaped. Maggey stared.

"I knew it!" she blurted. "I knew my bad luck would rub off on the computer! This is all my fault..."

"No! That can't be, pal! Don't worry, I'll get this figured out. The one who typed that was none other than...Phoenix Wright?!" Gumshoe interrupted, shocked. "Er-I mean-Stay here, pal. I'll find out what's happening. I promise." He left without another word and headed for Wright and Co. Offices to get it all sorted out.

Edgeworth was the first to arrive in the confines of Wright and Co. He had his arms crossed as usual, using his fingers to pat his arms. He was hoping Wright would have something to say. Phoenix stared at Edgeworth, aghast. His gaping mouth never closing.

"Where are your manners, Wright?" Edgeworth asked. "Aren't you even going to say hello to an old friend?" Phoenix just stared. Maya had excused herself from the room to do some "Master of the Kurain Channeling Technique and other feminine" things, so the two were in the room. Alone. With Charley, the tree that looked as if it has been neglected recently.

"Very well, Wright. You can guess why I am here, so I guess I'll cut to the chase," Edgeworth said. He looked extremely tense, but he managed to keep a certain pleasantness in his voice. "You said we should go out sometime. I was wondering if...If you were serious. That's all."

"Um...Edgeworth, let me expla-" Phoenix began, only to get interrupted by a sneeze from Charley. "Do...Do plants...sneeze?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Wright," Edgeworth responded, pushing past Phoenix and moving the plant to reveal Larry. "When something smells, it's usually the Butz."

"L-Larry?! What are you doing here?!" Phoenix inquired, shocked.

"Um...Hey, dudes. I was definitely not spying on you or anything. I was just...Enjoying the very natural smell of Charley here." Phoenix face-palmed. Edgeworth's brow twitched dangerously.

"Listen, Larry," he began ominously. "Get out of here before I convince Wright to sue you for breaking and entering."

"Aw, come on, Edgey. You wouldn't do that to your friend, would ya?" Larry asked, shrugging off Edgeworth's threat. Edgeworth took in a breath to say something, but then...

"There you are, Edgey-poo!" Oldbag yelled excitedly, tackling Edgeworth, who shot Phoenix a pleading look before hitting the ground. "I can't believe I finally have my dreamboat here. All alone!"

"Alright! Edgey's finally getting some action," Larry commented enthusiastically.

"Um...Ms. Oldbag, there are two other people here..." Phoenix interjected.

"WHIPPERSNAPPER!" Oldbag shouted, not letting Edgeworth escape her clutches. He tried to lift her off of him, but she tangled herself around him, and now they were nose-to-nose.

_I hope Edgeworth will be okay... _Phoenix thought.

"Ow!" Oldbag screamed after getting whipped, letting go of Edgeworth.

"Foolish fool," Franziska said, now in the doorway of Wright and Co.

"WHIPPERSNAPPER!" Oldbag screeched, getting up and pulling out her ray gun, only to get whipped several more times until she passed out.

"F-Franziska VonKarma? What are you doing here?" Phoenix asked, getting whipped in response.

"What do you think I'm here for, Phoenix Wright?" she replied.

"Um...You got my message, didn't you?" Phoenix inquired, distraught. He got whipped again.

"...What message, Phoenix Wright?"

"Erm..." Franziska shoved past him and hijacked his musty, old, shabby, imperfect computer and logged in. "Whips. Kinky. ilike.

"...MORON!" she screamed, whipping Phoenix's computer in half before attempting to do the same to him. Then, Gumshoe came charging in.

"Okay, pal! You got some explaining to do!" he shouted. Then, he saw Franziska, and cringed. "Er...Did I come at a bad time, pal?" He got several whips as a response.

"Stop it, Franziska," Edgeworth ordered, grabbing her whip. "And let Wright explain."

"...Very well. Let's hear the foolish explanation of a foolishly foolish fool who always foolishly participates in Tom Foolery."

"Thanks," Phoenix said, getting back up. "Look, I didn't mean for anything to happen. Maya was using the computer, but it glitched up on her, so she switched to my account and accidentally sent everyone here except Oldbag a message. I'm sorry..."

"Why didn't you say so in the first place, Phoenix Wright?" Franziska asked, interrupting him.

"Um...I didn't really get much of a chance..." Phoenix replied.

"Indeed. Well, I feel foolish," Edgeworth commented. Franziska whipped Gumshoe.

"Ow! Hey, pal! What did I do?" Gumshoe inquired.

"You stole my word, Miles Edgeworth! You will pay for that," Franziska threatened before walking out of the office. Edgeworth "tsk"ed after her.

"Try as she might, she will never succeed..." Edgeworth said. "I should be going, Wright. It's been..." he shuddered. "Pleasant." He left, Larry chasing after him.

"I'm sorry, pal. Maggey was really upset, and I felt I had to get an explanation, you know?" Gumshoe asked.

"It's okay, Gumshoe. Just tell her it was all just a mistake," Phoenix answered. Gumshoe nodded and left.

"Well, it seems everything got cleared up, Nick," Maya said excitedly, emerging from the stair case.

"How long were you-?!"

"Why's Oldbag here?" Maya interrupted. Phoenix looked down and saw Oldbag's unconscious body.

"Son of a biscuit!" he shouted.


End file.
